HE LOVES ME, HE LOVES ME NOT!!!!!!!!!

I bet you remember those playground antics of taking apart the petals of a flower and hoping by some strange miracle the last one would be "he loves me". Oh!!! the thrill and excitement of it all and and the tinged hope of the petal dropping translating into a budding dalliance over the fence or behind the mulberry bush with "Little Tommy" I am afraid though that this seems to to be the story of my life even in adulthood, this seems to be the presage of the state of my relationships at the moment. I hate to admit it though that I seem to be quite impudent to this and am not the least bit red faced about it. If all hearts were ruled by our heads what a boring state of affairs relationship dramas would be.

I am not even sure whether my current connection can qualify to be called a relationship, there is definitely been a hell lot of amorous toying about, flirting as if my breathing depends on it and of course thank Mark Zukerberg for facebook I have been kissed, hugged, spanked and waved at.

OH DARN!!!!!!!!!!!!

An exact portrait of how my life feels like as of now, every aspect of it seems to be in shreds at the moment. I have had a major relapse in my spending, this being triggered by a love or rather should I say unrequieted attraction to the first guy i have really felt a tinge of emotion for in God knows AGES!!!. My family situation is not helping things either, I keep feeling like I am carrying the weight of the world on my tiny shoulders and I just need someone to give them a bit of a lift.

I am also struggling in my faith, it is supposed to be at these bleak times, these valley moments that my faith should be a bridge. I feel like I am in this desolate place, seperated from God and trying but failing to clear the darkness surounding me. A part of me is angry at God, I cannot bring myself to having a one to one with God as i struggle understanding why life and opportunities have to be unfair. I feel I have to struggle some before anything works, the bible talks about "seeking first the kingdom of God and all else will be added unto you" but why then does it look like those that donot seek or yet again believe in God have all their needs met. At the moment I am in a deliberate defiance of God, and this is a place i do not want to be in but i cannot seem to have the strength or will power to dig myself out of.

I am not going and try to mend all the other parts of my life together until i have set my faith, my spirit, mind and heart in tune with God. I am praying and thanking God for his abundant grace and mercy