An exact portrait of how my life feels like as of now, every aspect of it seems to be in shreds at the moment. I have had a major relapse in my spending, this being triggered by a love or rather should I say unrequieted attraction to the first guy i have really felt a tinge of emotion for in God knows AGES!!!. My family situation is not helping things either, I keep feeling like I am carrying the weight of the world on my tiny shoulders and I just need someone to give them a bit of a lift.
I am also struggling in my faith, it is supposed to be at these bleak times, these valley moments that my faith should be a bridge. I feel like I am in this desolate place, seperated from God and trying but failing to clear the darkness surounding me. A part of me is angry at God, I cannot bring myself to having a one to one with God as i struggle understanding why life and opportunities have to be unfair. I feel I have to struggle some before anything works, the bible talks about "seeking first the kingdom of God and all else will be added unto you" but why then does it look like those that donot seek or yet again believe in God have all their needs met. At the moment I am in a deliberate defiance of God, and this is a place i do not want to be in but i cannot seem to have the strength or will power to dig myself out of.
I am not going and try to mend all the other parts of my life together until i have set my faith, my spirit, mind and heart in tune with God. I am praying and thanking God for his abundant grace and mercy
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